The Top 5…Most Awkward Husbands To Hang With

I’m going to really get specific with the target audience today. I’m married talking about other peoples husbands, and how my wife (and potentially all the wives in the universe) constantly try and ‘hook us up’ with their friends husbands. For some reason, my wife feels that if she likes a woman, and that woman has a spouse or significant other, it’s extremely important for each husband to also hang out and like one another. Vary rarely does this actually happen. There are so many moving parts. One of the moving parts is that I usually know all the shit-bag stuff that guy has done to that girl before I met them. Therefore, I already know he’s a total douche no matter what face he opens up to me about. Same is probably true in reverse if I did any shit-bag things to my wife. Another moving part is that while my wife and her friend may have something in common (work together, run together, went to the same school), in almost no cases do the husbands they ended up with have anything in common. So here is a hint to the wives and girlfriends out there when you introduce us to your friends significant other. We’re faking it. Didn’t know we did that did you? Yep, we can fake it too! We’re faking pretending to know or like anything about that guy. We do the two hour shuffle and dance while you are out looking at house decor, and we forget entirely about it. However, there are instances where it gets incredibly awkward. So here are my top 5….most awkward husbands to hang out with…

5. Blank Slate…

This guy literally gives you nothing. Has no interests, no hobbies, no jokes, no stories, nothing. You are trapped on a deserted island with the only person in the world not interested in anything. So not only do you not like the person, you can’t even get to the point where you know anything about this guy to not like. The reason this is disconcerting is this: most car rides home my wife asks me if Hubby X is a guy I could consider hanging out with. Usually I have an excuse on why the person would not be my type of friend. With Blank Slate, you can’t think of anything negative. Nothing to derive from the small talk. No story that you can reference. Nothing. This gives your wife the green light to schedule another brutal staring contest. Brutal!

4. Yes, Ma’an…

Happy wife happy life right? That’s what they all say, and that’s especially what Yes Ma’an says! This guy is extremely awkward to hang out with because every 37 seconds he’s running an errand for his spouse. There could and are redeeming qualities about hanging out with Yes Ma’an. They may like the same sports, or video games, or playing golf together. They may have great travel stories, or great barbecue ideas. Too bad it’s impossible to get any information out of him because low and behold, he’s running around with his honey-do list pleasing his wife. Every time he starts telling a funny joke you hear “Honey!?!? Can you take my shoe off my left foot!?!!” calling from downstairs. And Yes Ma’an rushes to the rescue. Every. Damn. Time. Yes Ma’an always gets you in trouble because once again, on the car ride home, wifey gives you an earful. “Why don’t you treat me like Yes Ma’an treats his wife?” “Omg he’s so nice why can’t you do those things for me?” Makes me want to punch a perfectly adequate human being in the face. But hanging out with him you know where each car ride home is headed. And it feels supremely awkward hanging out with a guy who actually doesn’t possess his own internal set of guts.

3. When She’s Not Around…

This is the Dr. Jerkyll and Mr. Slime award nominee and potential winner. As two-faced as it gets. When She’s Not Around can and will tell the raunchiest stories, rehash the most disgusting items, and become the most misogynistic person imaginable. Only…wife doesn’t see it. He’s not like this when his wife is around. He’s not like this among the company of other women. He’s only like this to you and his boys. But you aren’t quite boys yet. When She’s Not Around is a pleasure to go out in public alone with “just the guys” because he’ll start hitting on waitresses, telling dirty jokes, expelling gas from his organs, and live free like he would if he was a bachelor. Little does he know, its gross, not just to women, to everybody who doesn’t know and already accept him. The main issue regarding When She’s Not Around is that he will shit talk his mate into oblivion. You’ll learn too much information to keep quiet, and then you are forced with a dilemma. Do you tell wife causing drama in the couples relationship? Or do you keep quiet and almost certainly ensure a follow up meetup which could be when he ‘really feels comfortable’? Either way…it’s awkward.

2. Only She Can See It…

One of the hidden worst parts of meeting your spouses friends significant other is the lead-up to the meet-up. Basically, it’s the same conversation your friends give you trying to set you up on a blind date. It is torture. “Oh he likes x just like you do!” “He’s got your same personality, but may be a bit more outgoing!” “You can talk about the times you both went to high school, you have that in common!” But one of the most awkward things about the meetup is when none of the pumping up portion comes remotely true. This can happen with your spouse, or the friends. But Only She Can See It is basically the exact opposite of what you learned in the car ride over. “Hubby X is SOOOOOO funny, he makes me laugh all night!” Really? He’s got zero sense of humor and I believe that jokes was not-so-hiddenly racist. “Hubby X did a hike of the Grand Canyon last year.” Nope. Hubby X saw an infomercial that reminded him of hiking the Grand Canyon, he never actually did it. The entire night with Only She Can See It is an episode of Mythbusters: Husband Edition and by the end of it you almost feel like you were lied to. I guess only she can see it, and believes all this stuff is true, because on the car ride home she looks at you like “Right! Isn’t he as a great as I said he was?” We were at the same place in the same dimension? I guess only she can see it.

1. Too Much, Too Soon…

So most of this post is talking about apathetic guys who have no personality. But that’s not the worst. The worst is the guy who comes on WAY too strong. 15 minutes in, Too Much, Too Soon guy is already adding you to his Christian Bowling League team, “Strike Me Down: Lord” and scheduling the guys only trip to Boca Raton. Too Much, Too Soon guy doesn’t realize you aren’t there to just appease you wife, but you really want to form an everlasting friendship bond. Which could have happened, but was ruined when he started taking your shoe measurements and providing you with his old Air Force Ones. Too Much, Too Soon infringes on your personal space, forces you to eat only heaven knows, and runs you around in circles when all you wanted to do is pretend to watch the game. Too Much, Too Soon keeps firing questions at you like he’s pumping you for national secrets. Of course wifey looks from afar and see’s bonding. I’m looking from within and fear bondage. On the car ride home she already has a text from her friend saying that we’re on for the Civil War Re-enactment weekend in Virginia followed by the bed and breakfast.

Since the only 8 people who have read this blog are women, it may be hard to visualize this list. But who are the most awkward husbands you hang out with? Or stories told from your spouse? Drop a comment and let me know!

The Top 5…Types of Employees I Wish Worked Elsewhere

Statement. I love my job. I will write more about my job in the future. But just know this. I’ve always loved what I do. I haven’t loved where I worked until this job now. I think for what I do for a living its the best collection of minds one could imagine. But there are certain types of individuals both at my present and past jobs that I feel we could all do without (If you don’t agree with anybody on this list you probably fit in one the categories). These people without fail, always cause your workload to double, triple, or quadruple with their careless antics. The worst part of these five types of employees is…MANAGEMENT IS NEVER AROUND TO SEE IT! You try and catch them in the act of ineptitude only they do just enough to squeak by and keep gettin’ dem checks. So, below is the list of the top 5…types of employees I just wish worked somewhere else. 

5. The Social Tornado…

This person is motivated! This person is knowledgeable! This person is informed! I just wish it was about actual work materials and not who is the latest office romance. Every department and company has at least one. I think it might be an ISO9001 requirement to have an employee who has no contact with management, yet can spread every corporate rumor in less than an hour without using an e-mail or instant message. Look, I love juicy gossip as much as the next person. But with the good always comes the bad. The Social Tornado, while being able to plan a potluck in 26 hours, doesn’t know when its time to hunker down and work. In the middle of an important report or delivery, Social Tornado is coming around your office or cube to tell you that so-and-so interviewed at x-corporation. Of course to be polite you stop and listen for a moment, just as the boss is walking by and then believes YOU aren’t on task. Social Tornado averages 3 of these an hour. How Social Tornado gets work done you’ll never know, and maybe they never do. But they will always have a place at your company. 

4. Legally Clueless…

Legally Clueless got the job using their looks/charm/nepotism/blackmail and has never produced a good idea to date. 5 solid years in Legally Clueless still requires assistance for the most mundane of tasks. You might find yourself sitting and explaining how to fill out a timesheet to Legally Clueless for an hour, only to get a question 8 minutes later even after the timesheet was filled out. It’s easier to just DO the job Legally Clueless is asking you for, but Legally Clueless so desperately wants to learn themselves. Even though you are not convinced it isn’t possible. The worst part about Legally Clueless is that the manager ALWAYS assigns them work that is integral to the job you’re supposed to be doing. So 5 hours a day you are spending time showing Legally Clueless the ropes so you can in turn do your job. Well, congratulations, because your report was stellar, the entire team (including Legally Clueless) gets props and you are once again forced to work with them. 

3. Walking Infirmary…

There is nothing wrong with Walking Infirmary….when they are present. The problem is…they are NEVER around. Who gets mono six times in one year?!?!?! Honestly!?!?! The Walking Infirmary always has something going on medically. You feel bad for the Walking Infirmary, because they do good work, and they aren’t annoying to work with at all. But the week you have a huge deliverable, the Walking Infirmary starts their ‘sick again’ shenanigans. From the kickoff meeting you start noticing the sniffles from the Walking Infirmary and you know, when the rubber meets the road, you’re going to be taking over their responsibilities when they are out sick. I don’t think there is anything anybody can ever do about it, because when you’re sick, you’re sick. But damn, does the Walking Infirmary add unnecessary stress. 

2. The All-talk…

Smart. Inventive. Usually extremely educated. The All-talk is just that. All. Talk. All. The. Time! Even after the decision is made and the plan is laid out, the All-talk won’t stop pondering options and analyzing decisions. The All-talk is great to have in a meeting when you’re trying to decide what to do, and horrible to have at any other point in time in the project. The All-talk second guesses ideas even they came up with, usually when its too late to actually react. But let’s not get it twisted, the All-talk will hardly ever lift a finger to execute this plan of action. The All-talk always impresses upper management because while you are slaving away at your cubicle, the All-talk is brown-nosing their ideas to the bosses claiming ‘creation credit.’ All praise goes to the All-talk because even though you pulled a rabbit out of a hat to get the job delivered on time, all senior VPs can see is the idea behind it. The All-talk won’t bother congratulating you for looking good, because they are off discussing the next big thing. 

1. Tenure Terror…

Coming in at #1 with 25 years of non-applicable experience, useless antiquated policies, and early signs of short term memory loss is the Tenure Terror! The Tenure Terror has been a veteran of the company since its foundation in 1972 when they were making toy airplane kits. Now, even though the same company creates mobile apps for gamers and tax software, the Tenure Terror still has a place among us. Should have retired about 12 years ago, the Tenure Terror keeps going strong. Management trusts this person with their lives, even though everything that comes out of their mouth is technically inaccurate. The Tenure Terror will never stop reminding you about how things “used to be done” (either its the principle of training the youth or the memory loss, idk). The Tenure Terror doesn’t necessarily have a role, but they do have an important spot in the process, and it takes triple the amount of work to provide Tenure Terror with something to do, while simultaneously getting your work moved through the pipeline. You can’t train the Tenure Terror, they already believe they know best. You can’t suggest new things to the Tenure Terror, they have seen and done it all. The Tenure Terror breaks all protocol and violates all policies with no hint of repercussion from management. Soon, one day the Tenure Terror will retire, you just hope you haven’t been driven crazy by the time they do. 

Who are the types of employees you can’t stand working around? Leave a comment and let me know!

The Top 5…Miles In a Half-Marathon

Cards on the table. I run. I used to run track in college (sprinting events) and then took a huge hiatus due to the fact that being a college athlete mostly ruins your love for whatever sport you are trying to do (though I think golf may be an exception; not sure, haven’t talked to a ton of collegiate golfers). Oh and I also had surgeries on both my Achilles after complete ruptures. However, I regained the inspiration to run again from a few people. Most notably, my wife. She had surgery to remove a tumor in her chest and the tumor attached itself to her left lung. Part of that lung had to be removed. Upon her recovery, she vowed it would not let her stop her life goals and dreams. She began training to run a Half-Marathon shortly there after and completed her first one in January. Just the dedication she displayed for the past 8 months made me want to follow in her footsteps. Love that woman! I also have a couple work colleagues who run too. They are awesome people with a plate full of life and still manage to run with excitement. Being that I was out of the loop running I forgot how much I loved runners. It’s the simplest activity and brings out the nicest in people. From the young and fast to the old and slow, each runner and their enthusiasm to conquer miles just makes me inspired. Since I was a sprinter, and there aren’t any sponsored 400M dashes around, I had to switch my psyche and learn to run distance. I hated it at first, but learned to love it. Long story short, I’m coming off a running high where I’ve finished my second half-marathon. I PR’d in a major way and even surpassed what I thought I could do with the training I’ve had.

Best damn Race PR Bell

I’m a relative n00b in the department of distance running, but I want to give a n00b perspective of what I think are the top 5….miles as you run a half-marathon (sorry, 8 of you didn’t make the cut because…5)

5. Mile Three (3)…

I love getting into the third mile mostly because the chaos that was the starting gun begins to fade. The first two miles are usually run with some adrenaline (aka fear) and playing the matrix with people who aren’t running your pace or are running in clans 5 wide. Also, mile three is when I start focusing on myself and my own pace. Things seem to even out, and I start getting into the groove of running.

4. Mile Eight (8)….

For me mile eight is a big one. It’s basically the point where you can start visualizing the final push to the end. Not having a good race? There is still time to fix it. Started way too fast? You can relax a bit for the final push. Mile eight mentally tells me that I’ve gone so far, and though I have a ways to go, I’m still in control of how hard I push myself. I may need to change my eating pattern but mile eight is also when I start feeling the boosts from whatever gummies, gels, or chews I used during the race.

3. Mile Six (6)…

Mile six is my “it’s all downhill from here” mental moment. In my mind, I just cruised through 6 easy miles, and every step I take after this mile is over is closer to the finish than to the start (truthfully, every step you take from the beginning is closer to the finish than to the start but…just…c’mon….okay). I also love mile six because you start focusing on the group of runners that you start pacing off of. The little mini game of ‘competition but we can help each other keep going’.

2. Mile Ten (10)…

Even numbers are good for people with crazy neurosis like me. Hitting those double digits in a half-marathon gives me the P. Diddy “can’t stop, won’t stop” feeling. This is where the rubber meets the road. It’s normally not about running form, or music, or breathing patterns after this. Nope, after mile 10 it gets mental. The pacer has about 1.5 people loosely hanging on. You might have maybe 2 people cheering every 400 meters or so. My mind has to turn on the extra motivation. “Me, the road, and the 5k that is keeping me from the finish.” The race becomes internal at this point until you hit…

1. Mile Thirteen (13)…

Of course the finish is going to be the best mile. The crowds of volunteers, supporters, and finished participants lining both sides of the streets cheering you on for no other reason than you have a bib on (again, I heart runners). Whatever ailments in mile 12, be it cramps, or numb feet, or knee pain, subside just a tad as you’re slowly approaching the finish line. It really becomes apparent when you see the clock. At this point there isn’t much you can do to affect your overall time (that’s what the previous 12 miles should have been about). However, there is that little emotional high you get just finishing inside the chute. Crossing the finish line makes you almost forget every uphill-cobblestone-into-the-wind-around-a-lake mile you cursed a half-hour ago. There is something about mile 13 that takes away the doubt questioning if you should run another. Mile 13 can be the runners high!

To the more experienced half-marathoners, what are your favorite miles during the half-marathon? Leave a comment and let me know!

The Top 5…Things People Constantly Lie About

Look everybody lies. I’m not here to point out every little untruth that gets thrown around in the daily lexicon of the world. I’m not here to talk about politicians, athletes, musicians, baby-daddy’s, or the Russian press. We know people lie, and lie all the time. I do it. I sometimes lie just for fun. I’m talking about the lies that people throw around and seriously believe that its the truth. These are the worst lies. The lies that we as a collective society have told for so long not only does the person telling the lie actually believe themselves; but nobody who listens dares challenge them as liars because then we’d be ousted for saying the exact same lies a few days earlier. Some of the lies we say for hyperbole, some of the lies we say because its just not socially acceptable to tell the truth. But as I monitor the world, these are indeed fibs told at such leisure, I’m surprised nobody has ranked them before.

5. “X” is my favorite song/movie/food/etc….

No it’s not. You can only have one favorite of something and I doubt it’s Katy Perry and Juicy J’s “Dark Horse” song. The truth is that you like the particular song and I can understand that. (To be more accurate I actually can’t understand at all how you like the song, WTF is wrong with you?!?!) But it’s not your favorite.  I know people love to make extraordinary claims just for effect, but why do we even have to say it for effect? How different do you expect us to react if you just “really like” McDonald’s fries rather than making them your favorite?

Friend A: “Did you hear that Tom likes McDonald’s Fries?”
Friend B: “Yeah, but they weren’t his favorite fries so after work we’re going to jump him and carve a scarlet BK into his chest.”

Something like that would only happen in the movies or on the west side of Detroit, nobody cares if its your favorite. What we say when we lie about our “favorite” anything though, is that our society only cares about level 100 or level 0. You have to have anything be your favorite or the worst. We all ROFL or LOL on social media, but most jokes we are only LAL (Laughing a Little) or WFAA (Wasn’t Funny At All). Is it because the only things that get attention anymore must have total absolutes or shock value? Either way, please, for the love of all that’s mighty, calm down on the hyperbole (which is my absolute favorite word in the world by the way.)

4. I never thought about cheating on my significant other…

WRONG! Wrong! Wrooooooonnnngggg. I have, you have, your significant other most certainly has, and we all have. I’m going to let you in on a little secret about yourself. You are in fact high-maintenance in a relationship. I can definitely tell, because EVERYBODY is high-maintenance in a relationship. Unless you just deposit cash in your spouses bank account and leave them alone until they need a ride somewhere or laundry done, you illicit some type of high-maintenance annoyance to your significant other. Of course your lovable teddy bear or juicy fruit wouldn’t leave you or cheat on you, but when you jump their last nerve, they will think about it. They will think about the person at the health club that barely talks but has a nice figure. They will think about how that person never asks them to cut the crusts off the toast, order a pizza without pepperoni even though it’s their favorite because it smells, or make them turn up that Drake song. They will think about how the cute Intern with the fitted Express pants always opens the door for them, and gives them a little wink when he turns in his report. If you ask them, and they tell you they’d never think about cheating on you, they are thinking about it at that very moment. Probably because once again, your high-maintenance lifestyle is pestering them with 101 questions that don’t mean anything. Let’s stop lying to ourselves and our spouses, yes we’re thinking cheating on you, but ultimately we know, that no matter who we align ourselves with, we’ll be thinking about cheating on them with whoever isn’t annoying us at the time.

3. I work so hard at the office….

Actually, you don’t. You haven’t since the invention of the Internet, web servers, e-mail, Word, and PDFs. In 1965 people used to have to really put in 8 hours of hard work each day in order to accomplish their tasks. Type up handwritten notes, schedule travel, process forms. Today, we can do all that in the click of a button on our cell phone from the beach. So what did you do with all that efficiency at the office? Work harder? Invent more stuff? Nope, we waste that time. We get our daily workload done in 3 hours vs. 8 nowadays, and the rest of the time we spend on the Internet, writing blogs, looking at Youtube (Vine? Vimeo?), checking Facebook and shopping on Amazon (Amazon Prime btw, don’t lie to yourself and say you don’t need it). I will give people this, occasionally we will have to put a hard days work in to meet a deadline, but normally that’s because we slacked off for 5 weeks of the 6 they gave us to complete the project. Hell, I’m finishing this post at the office because at 3:00 PM my list of to do’s from the boss was complete. Did I start on next weeks list? No. Because if I had you wouldn’t have anything to read while slacking off at your job next week would you? Why? Because it’s the cool thing to do and self-preservation to say we put in a hard days work, when really we just sent cool IMs to all our friends and bought a new pair of jeans using an online coupon.

2. I don’t have a favorite child… 

Okay Pinocchio! So I’m interpreting your 140 Instagram photos of one of your kids and a combined 12 of your other children (6 of which the favorite child is in as well) as a show of equality huh? It’s okay to admit. We’re not perfect people, so we might have imperfect children. Sometimes the devil spawn happens. If you have multiple children, you definitely have ones that you like more than the others. I can see it on your face when you’re interacting with them. One brings you a dead frog and you react like they’ve cured dysentery. Another one brings you a dead frog and they are grounded for a month. You have one that brushes their teeth when asked, eats their vegetables, and loves to read and spend time with you. Then you have “it”. “It” takes 45 minutes to find the toothbrush and then tosses it in the toilet. “It” never goes to bed and always finds themselves in trouble. “It” is cute and all, but holy damn! You just wish your “it” child had a little manners out in public. Of course you can’t say to “it” or your friends, or your spouse that you like your precious good child way more than “it”, because its hurtful, and you should love and treat all your children the same. Which you should, but you have a favorite. My mom has a favorite, and its certainly not me. My oldest sister, my Mom would perform self-surgery to give her a kidney…just because. My other sister, my Mom, who hates winter, REFUSES to move to a warmer climate strictly because she and her granddaughter are there. Me, I got a card in the mail on my birthday…it wasn’t signed, it wasn’t addressed to my new home, and it wasn’t my birthday. So every time a parent answers “oh I don’t have a favorite” they are lying through their teeth. It’s an empty lie however, because your kids know who is your favorite, and the others will be on the therapist couch a few years from now figuring out why.

1. I love working out…

The most commonly used and worst lie of them all. People love to tell this lie, all the time. It’s simply  not true. Let me explain. I love my wife, I see,  talk, and kiss her everyday. I love cookies, there is always a bag of Oreos or Soft Batch in my house. I love music, I listen to music everyday of my life. Wouldn’t you think, if I, or anybody who says this absolute farce of a claim, loved working out, they’d do it more often? If people loved working out, why are the infomercials always boasting that their workouts take the least amount of time. Why are there workout programs that try and mask the fact that you’re exercising? That’s because people don’t love to workout, they hate working out. People love TV. Because in the last 40 years, movies have gotten longer (I’m looking at you Lord of the Rings: Return of the King) and not shorter. There aren’t any 15 minute shows on ABC. They didn’t make less cable channels. Networks don’t have to try and trick the population into watching more TV. We can’t wait to get home and scan the DVR. People love the results of working out and looking good, but constantly try and find ways to shorten or eliminate it. If people loved working out, there would be more gyms, and less Starbucks. Here are some more honest quotes about working out: “I love looking like I worked out so nobody thinks I’m a slob when I inhale this Mexican Pizza.” Or how about this one: “I love buying those cute little workout outfits that make my butt look better.” People love results of working out, they love the social stigma of working out because it makes them look better than those who didn’t, and they love the eye candy with being around people who work out and look good.

What are you’re Top 5 Things People Constantly Lie about? Leave a message below. I can’t add anymore because…5.

The Top 5….Things About This Blog

Welcome to my blog. I wanted to start a blog for a while now but could never think of a way to actually put my thoughts in writing that somebody would actually read and potentially enjoy. It dawned on me that I should just pretty much write this for myself, about myself, and by myself because in my mind, if you aren’t making you happy, you can’t make anybody happy. So without further ado, here are the top 5 things to know about reading Keke’s Five Spot.

5. Every post will always contain a 5 list theme…

I love lists. I love countdowns. I love finite numbers. 90% of the time if an article starts with a number or a certain set of steps, I’ll at least read the first few. Sometimes I hate that I love lists because I start reading things I really don’t care about, but get hooked. “The 5 worst college majors”, “the 9 foods you should eat for a healthy colon”, etc. This blog will always be centered around a 5 list theme. Some items on the list you will like and agree with. Some items on the list you will want to be replaced. That is the nature of the beast and I can live with that. If you ever question my list I’m going to respond with a phrase that one of my idols Michael Smith of ESPN always answers with; “Because 5.” “Keke, why didn’t you add this to the list?” Because, 5. “Keke, number 3 is stupid, should be removed.” Because, 5.

4. I’m secretly giving you my thoughts…

Don’t get it twisted, I’m not just going to count down lists. What I’m really doing is organizing my thoughts on everything going on in my brain. I think too fast to accurately remember ideas for later, not a good characteristic to write a “start to finish blog entry”. The only way I can make any sense of it is if I arrange them into categories and lists.

3. I stay on topic, but tangents happen…

Each post will have a main theme (or category) in which all my thoughts will be centered around and for you the reader to find interest. But don’t be surprised if you see a ton of tangents in the entries. While I will start with say “The Top 5…Things People Do But Don’t Admit”, item number three (for example, Lying purely for the sake of lying) might delve deeper into a philosophical or psychological tangent. One reason is that all my great ideas never started as the first thing that popped into my head. Eventually I’ll come around and tie everything in at the end, but like a roller coaster, you might not know where I’m headed at any given moment. Potentially also think of it this way…after the construct of the post is created, and the listed items are identified, I’m going to be freestyling (keystyling) the entire post. Love it or hate it, I will go off tangent.

2. My thoughts are candid, so this blog is candid…

This blog is mostly going to be what I am thinking, and rarely about what I am doing. We are essentially opening up my brain and learning about the real me. Think of that Chappelle Show skit where Dave is listening to a guy giving him a pitch only in his mind he’s thinking of the most outlandish content. That is pretty much me everyday. Only a select few people know that I am doing this blog. One of those select people is not my wife. I have candid thoughts, as we all do. I don’t have many close friends I confide in so I’m choosing you all to be my close friends. So I’m going to say things I think but will rarely, if ever, act upon. I will say things that probably would make you uncomfortable to talk about. I’m not talking about me being racists, or sexist, or obnoxious, or extra vulgar, get your minds out of the gutter. I’m talking about things that trapped in a bomb shelter, with nothing else to say, the truth comes out. Things like “I’m supposed to be outraged about Miley Cyrus twerking but in reality it sounds pretty hot.” (Self reminder: look up what Miley Cyrus looks like because I honestly don’t know).

1. You will learn little things about me as a person as the blog rolls on…

But lets get a couple things out of the way first so you can jump off the bandwagon before it starts. I hate Drake, he’s a no talent hack and the epitome of what I thought would happen if we gave Canada rap music. I don’t want much television, solely relying on good friends who I’ve deemed “media personal trainers” to tell me what’s worth it or not. I’m black but grew up around many white people, so I have the uncanny ability to both dance and calculate integers on a TI-85 (the irony is I can’t determine situations in which one is more appropriate than the other). I spent my early childhood in the 80s, was in college when the Internet got popular, and physically can’t bring myself to text using shortcut language. This probably helps shape your view on me. I have a whole lot more to say but have to stop now. Because 5.